I want to write more about how much I love this site but I need to run get dressed and get ready to meet up with someone on a class project. Battling so many things today and everything feels like it's 200x the effort it was yesterday (and the last 3 days or more have been so difficult lol I am so ready for a break! Not sure if I'm gonna get one ever!)

SI Secret Shame

Anyway, really great info if you do it and really great info if you don't get why people (not the sad people who have twisted this into some sort of pop culture thing, that really pisses me off too. It's not cool and I don't promote it.)

So...maybe I will write more at a later time. Just wanted to stick this up before I forget.

I am always thinking of ways to try and help people understand how my brain works with all this PTSD and dissociation crap.  Sometimes it's easy to talk about because it's all right there, up front. Like, oh sure I'm being bombarded by a bunch of pictures or sounds, or I totally zoned there for a second. Sometimes I have a hard time saying what's happening because it isn't just right there. I'm aware something is happening but I don't know what.  I don't know why but sometimes things just come to me in the shower so, here's one of those weird thoughts.

It's sort of like a computer ...with a lot of old memory :P...  Anyway, it's like using whatever programs you need to use or have to use (like I really need to be doing a paper right now, have been needing to do for a while) but, there are all these other processes going on in the background.  The processes keep slowing things down and it gets really frustrating to try and use the programs I need.  Sometimes there is that little hiccup where everything just freezes and then jumps ahead. More frustration! Sometimes you lose things and just can't recover them again, all that work is just gone.

Even now I'm aware there is something more I wanted to say but I can't. Either I can't say or I can't remember what it was...everything is just hung up on some background process.

I'm slowly collecting info and trying to learn more.  My big fear is that I somehow will become one because I had to live with one for so long.

What Makes Narcissists Tick
The blog there is really interesting too

How to Recognize a Narcissist

Malignant Self Love on HealthyPlace.com  I think there should be a chat transcript buried there somewhere that was really good. Just realize that the author of the book has NPD so there are many places if I recall correctly that it comes through and unless your up on your game you may miss it and really not see the statements for what they really are (words of someone with NPD) So, I will stick this in here as well: On credibility


I didn't put up any organization sites or anything since those are pretty easy to find and are basically the same thing (definition, symptom, yada yada, like webMD layout).

I can't remember if I posted this or not but, I couldn't find it here so...
This is from another old blog of mine that is now gone from the internet (kept my writings in Word documents though). I'm going back through them since a lot of my stuff I am finding I have no recollection of writing. Some interesting stuff. Any where here's the old post (not sure where the long quote came from, don't see it immediately on the site so...):

I hope others find this helpful. The passage I got from a group and the person cited this web page:

http://eqi.org/invalid.htm I haven't gotten through the whole thing yet, but I love the list and things. (on the defensive section though, sometimes it's not always possible for me to express feeling clearly for reasons that I have gotten into and a few I'm not quite ready to get into. To me it just seemed like that section may have been simplified a little bit. I mean since it's just for the most part it seems, talking in general and not getting too much into other issues that are "outside of the normal human experience".)

"Why is it that when a person feels momentarily sad, their friends think it's their cue to stop them from feeling and grieving? Who in the world told them that was healthy? When did they become an expert at how long a person should grieve, and feel, and cry and remember? And just because I do cry from time to time over something, that does not mean that for the rest of my life, each and every day, I will sit and cry, just like this, forever....and that I have ruined my life....forever. Allow me to be sad, just as you would welcome and allow me to be happy....I need it.

My telling someone of an event or something that I am going through, does not mean it's their cue to try to 'solve my problem'...I didn't ask for advice or ask how to grieve.

I have the RIGHT to grieve and cry and 'feel' any emotions I ever have in any event in MY life. No one has the right to rob me of my right to express myself or to grieve....to do what "I" need to do in

I have officially banned myself from a few message boards I belong to. Just to see. Just to see if this secret I've been carrying since I was 2 or 3 is really real. I know that it is, just...
I'm still scared.

So I'm fighting a loosing battle right now. A battle that started when I was maybe around age 12. I thought it had ended at around 18-19...when I ran (or tried for a moment anyway) from everything that happened with D, to the ends of the earth. Lately though with everything and more resurfacing in full living color, it's reared it's ugly head again. Seems like I get two weeks on and two weeks off.

http://bike-videos.info/video_LfK-AsgOma4.html

It's worth a try. I'll probably give it another go someday. I had around 7 days. Now with tonight...ended 3 days. It's just everyday I try harder because I know each day that I do it, is another step toward it reaching another level. And recently, rapidly more so.

Honestly I don't know why I'm putting this out here, other than I know other people deal with it. This is my one last attempt for the night to reach the 'outside' world before the 'demons' take over completely. Not that I'm reaching for help, just putting a log of the night in before my brain blacks it out. I usually have to go looking for my various blogs to see what's gone on in my life, cause I honestly most times don't remember. Have a feeling it's going to be one of those nights.

"Don't put your trust in walls cause walls will only crush you when they fall" ~ Ray LaMontagne "Be here now"

"...sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice and it's been here silent all these...years go by will I still be waiting for someone to understand..." ~ Tori Amos "Silent all these years"

"At the top of the stairs is a locked room my secret chamber that no outsider views for entry is forbidden, prohibited. Behind this door is my other self. Not a picture in a frame nor a fresh disguise but my other self..I drempt of sin and aftermath. I drempt of centuries laid bare and when I woke not knowing, I knew I led the double life." ~ Souxsie and the Bandshees "Double Life"

"All the fear has left me, I'm not frightened any more. It's my heart that pounds beneath my chest, it's my mouth that pushes out this breath and if I shed a tear I won't cage it. I won't fear love and if I feel a rage I won't deny it. I won't fear love." ~ Sarah McLachlan "Fumbling toward ecstasy"

"I feel it all, I feel it all. The wings are wide the wings are wide. Wild card inside, wild card inside. Oh I'll be the one who'll break my heart. I'll be the one to hold the gun. ...I don't know what I knew before but, I know I wanna win the war." ~Fiest "I feel it all"

"So much present inside my present inside my present...so much past inside my present..." ~ Fiest "Past in present"

"I've been to the mountain. Left my tracks in the snow. Where souls have been and the walking wounded go. I've taken the pain no girl should endure. Faith can move mountains of that I am sure. But faith can move mountains of that I am sure. Just get me through December, a promise I'll remember. Get me through December so I can start again." ~ Alison Krauss "December"

"I've never learned to count my blessings I choose instead to dwell in my disasters. I walk on down the hill through grass grown tall and brown and still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain...well I look my demons in the eye, lay bare my chest and said do your best to destroy me I've been to hell and back so many times I must admit you kind of bore me. There's a lot of things that can kill a man, theres a lot of ways to die. Yes, some already did and walk beside me. There's a lot of things I don't understand. So many people lie. It's the hurt that I hide inside that fuels the fire inside me" ~ Ray LaMontagne "Empty"

I've been meaning to do this for awhile. Just write out all the lyrics that say things to me or about me. Often it's hard for me to talk about things that have happened or are happening, so I sometimes use songs to talk for me. Sometimes it's not just the lyrics but also the story behind the lyrics. I was going to put these in some sort of order but it was way to much work finding all the lyrics and remembering which ones I really wanted so I gave up on trying to order them. This takes up about 7 1/2 pages in my journal lol (ok,they are kind of color coded in there lol)! So don't know if they will all fit in one post or not and I'm sure I will add more. Some might be triggering (or t to listen too if you go looking them up).

"I am not the person who is singing. I am the silent one inside...and it's me who is my enemy, me who beats me up, me who makes the monsters, me who strips me of my confidence. I am carrying my voice, I am carrying my prayers. But you can't kill my spirit it's soaring and it's strong like a mountain. I'll go on and on but when my wings are folded, the brightly colored moth blends into the dirt, into the ground. And it's me who is weak, and it's me who is too shy to ask for the thing I love. I'm walking on the bridge I am over the water and I'm scared as hell but, I know there's something better. Yes,I know there's something that I love but it's me. and it's me." ~Paula Cole "Me"

"Alone listless breakfast table in an otherwise empty room young girl violins(ce) center of her own attention. The mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it tries to make her proud. The shades go down, it's in her head. Painted room can't deny there's something wrong. Don't call me daughter, not fair to. The picture kept will remind me." ~Pearl Jam "Daughter"

"I've had nights I will never forget. I've had nights I will always regret but I can take it on the chin and say 'Boys will be boys'" ~Goldfrapp "Boys will be boys"

"The sky opens wide swallowing again. Once I am inside again I'm lost and can't pretend. These pictures in my mind are not a part of me. These memories hold me tight till I can hardly breath, I can hardly breath. Nothing I can say or do will take away what I've been through. What you were is what I've come to be. Nothing you can say to me will take away these memories. What you are is what I've come to be" ~Handsome Boy Modeling School "Rock & Roll"

"...I don't believe you leaving cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream. I think it's that girl. And I think they're pieces of me you've never seen. Maybe she's just pieces of me you've never seen. Well, all the world, is all I am. The black of the blackest ocean and that tear in your hand. All the world is dangling dangling dangling for me darlin'. You don't know the power you have with that tear in your hand." ~ Tori Amos "Tear in your hand"

"So I ran faster but it caught me here. Yes, my loyalties turned like my ankle in the seventh grade, running after Billy, running after the rain. These precious things, let them bleed, let them wash away. These precious things let them break their hold on me. He said your really and ugly girl but, I like the way you play. And I died but, I thanked him. Can you believe that sick, sick. Holding on to his picture, dressing up everyday. I wanna smash the faces of those beautiful boys. Those Christian boys. So you can make me c*m that doesn't make you Jesus. These precious things let them bleed, let them wash away. These precious things, let them break their hold on me." ~Tori Amos "Precious Things"

"...And do you know Carolina, where the biscuits are soft and sweet? These things go through your head when there's a man on your back. Your pushed flat on you're stomach, it's not a classic Cadillac. Me and a gun and a man on my back. But I haven't seen Barbados, so I must get out of this. I haven't seen Barbados, so I must get out of this" ~Tori Amos "Me and a gun"

"...You treated me like a stranger and all of the time I was loving you. All of your slick moves, they were once innocent moves. I wanted to look up to you. I really wanted to trust you and every word you said. I was loving like a child. All the time you were smiling that same smile. I was loving you like a child. I really wanted to trust you. Every word you said." ~Sade "Every Word"

"...You found a place no one should ever go. I'll be ok, cause when I back away I'm gonna keep the handle of your gun in sight" ~ Norah Jones "Not my friend"

"Wake me up when it's over. Wake me up when he's gone away and taken everything. Wake me up...if it were any other day, this would get the best of me. But today I'm not so strong. So lay me down with a sad, sad song, and when it stops then you know I've been gone too long" ~ Norah Jones "Wake me up"

"...I seemed to look away, wounds in the mirror waved. It wasn't my surface most defiled. Head at your feet, fool to your crown, fist on my plate, swallowed it down. Enmity gauged, united by fear, tried to endure what I could not forgive. Saw things clearer once you were in my rearview mirror." ~Pearl Jam "Rearviewmirror"

"Waiting, watching the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop, tell him, take no more, she practices her speech as he opens the door, she rolls over, pretends to sleep as he looks her over. She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man. She dreams in color, she dreams in red. Can't find a better man, can't find a better man, can't find a better man. Oh talkin' to herself, theres no one else who needs to know..." ~Pearl Jam "Better Man"

"...and the meaning, it gets left behind. All innocents lost at one time. Significant, behind the eyes. Theres no need to hide, we're safe tonight. And the feelings that get left behind. All the innocents broken with lies. Significants, between the lines.(We may need to hide) All the meaning that gets left behind.All the innocents lost at one time. There's no need to hide." ~ Pearl Jam "I am mine"

"Once divided nothing left to subtract some words spoken can't be taken back walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking future's above but in the past he's slow and sinking ..." ~Pearl Jam "Nothing Man"

"Don't fear a healing voice kissed your ear. In your dreams, in your vision a gentle voice speaking wisdom. If it doesn't kill you, it will shape you. If it doesn't break you, it will make you." ~Siouxsie "If it doesn't kill you"

"Scars leave their signs. Sewn up inside. Sewn up in mind. They follow you. Swallowing pills, intoning spells. All potions spill down the wishing well. They follow you. To sorrow you. It doesn't work anymore. They follow you. To sorrow you. Sew up those eyes. Stitch up this smile. Embroidered tears drown the wishing well. They follow you. To sorrow you. Mix me a brew - an elixir to soothe. A cure! Wounds heal in time." ~ Siouxsie "They Follow You"

"I know what's good for me. I know what's bad for me. All that sweetness. Covered falseness. It's a sick and twisted game. To and fro and back again. Could I see it? Did I hear it? Maybe I should love less. Maybe I should trust less. I don't love this - loveless. What am I going to do? How do I face the truth? Loveless- loveless. I can remember everything. I can still recall the pain. I was left there for dead. Can't play this game again. To and fro and back again. It's senseless - I'm doubtless. But what I am I gonna do? How can you be so cruel?" ~Siouxsie

"I know it's all a game. I know they're all insane. I know it's all in vain. I know that I'm to blame. This tearing apart...I think we all should die. I think we're dead inside. I know the purest rain won't wash away the bloody stain. I know it waits to strike. This sickness from inside will tear us apart." ~Siouxsie & the Banshees "Tearing apart"

"Sometimes nothing is the better hand and you throw it all away for this, I understand. But I am stronger than you and I am braver than you. And I will still be here, when the dust has cleared. Will you? You will never get close to me. This is who we are." ~Tom McRae "Stronger than Dirt"

"Sitting on an angry chair. Angry walls that steal the air. Stomach aches and I don't care. What do I see across the way, see myself molded in clay. Stares at me, yeah I'm afraid. Changing the shape of his face...I don't mind, yeah I don't mind. I lost my mind, yeah, can't find it anywhere." ~Alice in Chains "Angry Chair"

"Hey, I ain't never coming home. Hey, I'll just wander my own road. Hey, I can't meet you here tomorrow. Say good-bye, don't follow. Misery so hollow" ~Alice in Chains "Don't follow"

"By the way if it don't kill you, it will make you stronger." ~Broken Dolls "Stronger"

"Run, run, run, run, run, run. Yeah, you better make your face up in your favorite disguise with your button down lips and roller blind eyes. With your empty smile and your hungry heart. Feel the bile rising from your guilty past with your nerves in tatters when the cockleshell shatters and hammers batter down the door. You better run! Run, run, run, yeah. You better run all day and all night. And keep your dirty feelings deep inside. And if you're taking your girlfriend out to night, you'd better park the car well out of sight. Cause if they catch you in the backseat trying to pick her locks, they're going to send you back to your mother in a cardboard box. You better run!" ~Kittie "Run like hell"

"So, I'm nothing. You took something, now you've disappeared. You're right where I want you. You said you wanted it, alright. No! It's not alright. No! Now I'm something and your head is in my closet, dead forever, they'll never search it...out of sight...no it's not alright, no..." ~Kittie "Charlotte"

"I hurt myself today. To see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end" ~Johnny Cash "Hurt"

"It's a pity, it's a crying shame. Who pulled you down again? How painful it must be to bruise so easily inside. It's pity, it's a downright crime but it happens all the time. You wanna stay daddy's little girl. Wanna hide from the vicious world outside but don't cry. Know the tears'll do you no good. So dry your eyes. Your daddy he's the iron man. A battleship wrecked on dry land. Your mama she's a bitter bride. She'll never be satisfied and you know that's not right. But don't cry, know the tears will do no good. So dry your eyes. They told you life is hard, it's misery from the start. It's dull and slow and painful. I tell you life is sweet in spite of the misery there's so much more. Be grateful. Who do you believe? Who will you listen to? Who will it be? It's high time you decide in your own mind. Tried to comfort you, tried to tell you be patient. They are blind. They can't see fortune gonna come some day. All gonna fade away. Your daddy the war machine and your mama the long and suffering prisoner of what she cannot see. they told you life is hard, it's misery from the start. It's dull and slow and painful. I tell you life is sweet in spite of the misery there's so much more. Be grateful. But I tell you life is short be thankful because before you know it it will be over. Cause life is sweet and life is also short. Your life is sweet." ~Natalie Merchant "Life is Sweet"

How much this is killing me.
This secret
The one I've kept so long, even from myself.
The one I think I always wanted to tell (even myself).
How much I just want everyone to know.
So I don't have to keep another secret.
Not ever again.
How much that hurts me. I can't be me.
I can never truly be me with everyone.
There will always be people with whom, I'll have to keep this secret.
I'm tired of living this secret.
I just want to be free.
I'm tired of being locked away.
It's killing me.
I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.
Sorry I could not have told sooner (even myself).
I'm sorry for so much.
Sorry for ignoring this.
I just want to finally be free to live.
I just want to be understood and believed.
It's killing me to think you might not.
I hate this hurt.
I hate so much of what I've lived and done.
Those other secrets aren't so bad, in comparison.
I could find my way through that. Those will heal.
This, this is too hard. Too confusing.
I wish this world would just let me live.
It won't though.
There will always be those who won't understand and won't believe.
So that's why I kept the secret from everyone.
It's killing me to have to hang on to it now, now that I know.
Now that I've been let in on the secret.
I want to tell it.

Will you understand (will you try), will you believe me?

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• "A Dozen Ways To Help"
• "What We [the survivors] Would Like You to Know"

• How you can be supportive

I'm copying and pasting from this site cause I know I almost didn't scroll down:

I got myself a few books.
Stranger in the Mirror - which is about the various types of dissociation. I haven't got very far lol cause I can't concentrate on type (I can type no problem, that seems to be a tottaly different thing I don't have to think really. Spell check is a godsend lol!). So far what I have read though is cool, nothing new to me though. Just going over the normal level that everyone dissociates at (driving, the office zone out, that sort of thing, + the dissociation people do during a traumatic event like the feeling of everything being unreal while your running from a burning house or something). The thing that I really liked what where the author is describing how the system goes haywire, I'm hoping to repost it cause it's what I keep trying to explain to a few people and I"m doing a HORRIBLE job at it haha! I left my book at a friends house though :( so, I'm hoping to get it back later tonight.

Invisible Girls - I have been wanting to read this since I started therapy...well it might have been before that. I remember I was still trying to deny things and I wanted *somewhat* to read this book. Cause I thought for sure everyone was just going to say "oh no, what happened to you is no biggy and those dreaded words would come back to me "THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE". UGH! *then of course I didn't want to read it cause I was scared that I'd find out that that wasn't true and that I wouldn't be able to deny it anymore and then what?! I'm anxious now to read it...in both ways. It sounds like a really good book from what quite a few people have said, I'm just nervous about being triggered out. They have a group reading it over at AS so that's what has finally gotten me to buy it. A little hand holding as we go through it together and talk about what we are reading.

Life After Trauma - I was bored and wondered over to the bookstore one day and decided to checkout workbooks. My therapist wanted me to use one for anxiety to see if it would help with the PTSD stuff. I'd really like one more geared toward my specific issues though. So I found this one, I'm sure there is probably a section for SA and those issues as well. (I'm trying to be a little more aware of my words & subjects etc since I often type this outside of LJ with a program that sends it to LJ...so I'm not able to do a cut and I forget that). I was going to get one specific to that but I feel uncomfortable having that here. I might feel better about it once I get back to school, and I'd like to look through a few (I've had a lot of recommendations, but you know :) )

So I am anxious to get them (they say tues.) hopefully it will help me get some new tools, get me a little grounded while I'm away from my doc etc.

trying to get caught up on it all. I mean I do somewhat I'm just not having an easy time explaining it all...not with out sounding completely psycho ha. Eh I probably seem psycho anyway.
Just was thinking about when it was exactly that things had changed back.
I was in the hall at my friends house typing an email...I was fighting off disconnecting even more than I already was with myself and losing badly...
Don't know how far I got into the email when panic struck. My friend had been painting the upstairs and he was now painting right in front of me. I'm very allergic to latex and the fumes were causing a reaction. My throat was all tickely. I was in an all out panic attack (which must have helped some). My friend had disappeared though. I didn't know where. My throat was starting to burn and I was having trouble swallowing. I was having trouble breathing through my nose, the air wasn't going past my mouth. I thought "God there is seriously something in my life that is out to get me!!"
There was a brief moment of calm when I though it had stopped...
My friends weren't having any of it lol, they were gonna get me some benadryl and get me to a hospital if it wasn't working fast enough.
I knew the minute the tingling in my throat started that everything was beginning to switch back...back like it was before I left CA.
I was fighting the benadryl sleepiness, (part afraid to leave the place I had been all these weeks, and part afraid that if I did sleep I'd wake up and all my memories of the past things would be gone). I did sleep though, when I woke up it was all over things had changed I wasn't completely sure how though. Still not sure really.
I guess I have to hit a pretty bad bottom...
Now I just gotta figure out all the pieces to how I got to hell and back...

Reading this really is helping me thing about things right now.

"For instance, staying away from dissociation for a moment, the ability to minimize abuse while it's occurring has often come up in studies as a major contributor toward resilience. A person in an abusive situation who can convince themselves that it's not really so bad generally survives better than someone unable to convince themselves of that.

After the person is out of the abusive situation and is starting to put themselves back together, minimalization can be a hindrance to recovery. It's important for people to reach the point where they say, wonderingly, "It really was that bad." I've been there for people when they had that small epiphany, and it's an important one. People who keep insisting that it wasn't so bad as all that can't dig in and do the work they need to do. Something which was a life-saving adaptation becomes a pathology."

"Years later, when the person is trying to do more than survive, when the goal is not just to live but to live well, that life-saving adaptation can become a pathology. When the person who has been physically safe for twenty years still can't experience her emotions at the same time as she remembers events, can't (mentally) stay in the room when he's trying to listen to a lecture, can't stay in her body when someone she loves touches her, can't tell whether he's hungry or not... Dissociation is a good friend when you need it, but it doesn't do to minimize how much of a problem it can be in the life of someone who doesn't need it to survive any longer. It's as big a problem - and not unconnected to - PTSD-related panic disorders or sleep disorders or eating disorders or anything else.

Dissociation to some degree may be utterly normal. To another degree, it becomes something the person experiencing it has to fight daily, the uphill-in-the-pouring-rain slog of a person fighting his or her own survival instincts for the sake of a better life imagined but not perceived."

I love the way Callunav put things :)
HUGE hell of a problem for me these days. This is definitely not a place where it is helpful.

This is me if not all of it certainly most of it. There are somethings in my childhood I can kind of begin to admit to...other things I'm just not sure of I only have flashes of things fears of certain people...
I found this here http://www.myspace.com/lockedmovie

1. fear of being alone in the dark, of sleeping alone; nightmares, night terrors
2. swallowing or gagging sensitivity; repugnance to water on one's face when bathing or swimming
3. alienation from the body -- not at home in one's own body; failure to heed body signals or take care of one's own body; poor body image; manipulating body size to avoid sexual attention
4. gastrointestinal prblems; gynaecological disorders; headaches; arthritis or joint pain
5. wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer; baggy clothes; failure to remove clothing even when appropriate to do so (while swimming, bathing, sleeping); extreme requirement for privacy when using bathroom
6. eating disorders; drug or alcohol abuse (or total abstinence); other addictions; compulsive behaviours
7. self-destructiveness; skin carving, self abuse
8. phobias
9. need to be invisible, perfect or perfectly bad
10. suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession
11. depression (sometimes parlyzing); seemingly baseless crying
12. anger issues: inability to recognise, own, or express anger; fear of actual or imgined rage; constant anger; intense hositility toward entire gender or ethnic group of the perpetrator
13. splitting (depersonlisation; going into shock, shutdown in crisis; a stressful situation always is a crisis; psychic numbing; physical pain or numbness associated with a particular memory, emotion, or situation
14. rigid control of one's own thought process; humourlessness or extreme solemnity
15. childhood hiding, hanging on, cowering in corners; adult nervousness over being wached or surprised; feeling watched; startle response
16. trust issues: inability to trust; total trust; trusting indiscriminately
17. high risk taking; inability to take risks
18. boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviours
19. guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciateion of small favours done by others
20. pattern of being a victim, exspecialy sexually; no sense of own power or right to set limits or say no; pattern of relationships with much older persons
21. feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big trade-offs
22. abandonment issues
23. blocking out some period of early years, or a specific person or place
24. feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty that no one will listen; being generally secretive; feeling "marked"
25. feeling crazy; feeling different; feeling oneself to be unreal and everyone else to be real, or vice versa; creating fantasy worlds, realtionships, or identities
26. denial: no awareness at all; repression of memories; pretending; minimising; having dreaams or memories; strong deep, "inappropriate" negative reactions to a person, place or event; "sensory flashes" without a sense of their meaning; remembering the surroundings but not the event
27. sexual issues: sex feels "dirty"; aversion to being touched, expecially in gynaecological exam; strong aversion to (or need for) particular sex acts; feeling betrayed by one's own body; trouble integrating sexuality and emotionality; confusion or overlapping of affection, sex, dominance, agression, and violence; having to pursue power in sexual arena which is actually sexual acting out; compulsively "seductive" or comulsively asexual; must be sexual aggressor or cannot be; impersonal, "promiscuous" sex with strangers concurrant with inability to have sex in intimate relationship; prostitue, stripper, "sex symbol", porn actress; sexual acting out to meet anger or revenge needs; "sexaholism" avoidance; shutdown; crying after orgasm; all pursuit feels ike violation; sexualising of meaningful relationships; erotic response to abuse or anger, sexual fantasies of dominance or rape
28. pattern of ambivalent or intenely conflictive relationships
29. avoidance of mirrors
30. desire to change one's name
31. limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness
32. aversion to making noise; verbal hyper vigilance; quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard
33. stealing (adults); stealing and starting fires (children)
34. multiple personalities

That the little things you say and do have an affect on people. An affect you might not even realize. For me the little things just reinforce all those things i was taught were true (they are actually a pack of lies). I might not ever say anything to you, because I don't want to talk about those things anymore. Who WOULD want to talk about those things? I want so much to forget, that someone could do such horrific things. So I just hurt in silence. Even when you ask. I make up lies and excuses. Anything, just so I don't have to talk about it, just so I don't have to tell you what they did, just so I don't have to burden you with it.

What is the point?!! Just watch to as Anne self destructs, as she fights to keep from destroying every relationship in her path just because of some tiny little thing some one said or did, watch me loss total trust and faith in the world all over again. Watch and find out that OMG SUPERWOMAN actually is not all that strong 24/7. It's a free show.
Why bother to trust anyone anymore with this? I know I keep getting told that I should, that it's obvious not talking isn't working for me. I don't know though, actually in hindsight right now it seems to have been working just fine.
Every leap of faith I take on this ... it seems to be proven that it was the wrong thing to do.
Everyone gives me reasons not to trust them.
The closer I get the more all of this becomes an issue, it gets to the point where I have to come clean about it. Again though it always turns out that I realize I am safer not sharing. It's better off behind the damn walls, in the bubble world. Better holding people off.
I AM JUST SOOOO DONE WITH IT!!!!

I'm starting to create a bubble world. Shutting down every feeling that might connect me to the rest of the world. Since I've gotten back I've been flip flopping between pure rage and just being completely upset (I won't say sad, or depressed that doesn't fit. I'm just highly emotional). I cannot handle being here. On top of that it's this constant let down that I get from people. I know I should not have put so much into these people...into these relationships. I tried not too, but they kept giving me reasons to trust them. So I took a leap of faith for maybe the first time in my life (not a blind leap like with Dave). It seems to be consistenly proven that I can not trust the majority of people in my life with this. Most of my closest 'friends' have already been exposed to some part of it, just not the whole story. I cannot keep going with them with out telling the rest of it. Why should I though when I I don't feel I should trust them with it. I wish I could go back to my newer friends. The ones that have no idea. It's so much easier to keep it hidden then try to figure out who to trust with it. I know that might not really be true...but I'm tired of trying to let this out and being hurt.

What is the point?!!

Right now I will always and forever be broken damaged goods. (I know that's him talking, I know I did not give him permission to speak. His memory is just so loud right now. He's everywhere) All I want to do right now is destroy him. I want him to have to feel like I do. I want his world to crumble. I want him to walk around with his head hung in shame. I want him to know what it's like to feel everyone is looking at you, thinking horrible things about you.

I want this to stop. Why do I always have to feel so horrible. why do I have to feel like I need to be superwoman?!  Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am ...I feel i have to live up to that. I push and push. I'm just not. I don't want to be breakable, I don't want to be weak. I hate that. I'm tired of letting people see that.

Well I managed to find the blue house on the corner. It exists, so I didn't make that up. It gave me the heebie jeebies bad. I was surprised I remembered it so well. I was surprised I remembered so much of that area. I could see the whole neighborhood in my head at night.
We went over to Ryan's old place too. I was really hesitant about that. It was different on the outside yet the same. I got really kinda sick see it. I couldn't breath for a moment. The thought crossed my mind what if everyone was still there. What if D lived there or something.
I know that all those things I wrote were probably part of some strange self preservation. That I wanted maybe to think that's how I would have been. Still though ...I just can't believe it.
I don't know what to do now. Some part of me wants to go back. Wants to see the insides of those places again. Some part of me wants to do that on my own, some part says I can't it's going to be to hard.
There is this huge gap of time, I thought it was small like a few weeks between the incident and the party. Now I'm not sure I think it's bigger. I don't remember those thoughts.
I"m so lost right now.

I'm back at home now, just got in today. I was about to go to bed when i for some reason was drawn to read an old journal of mine to see if I had left the whole story in it or not (I thought maybe I had ripped it out or blacked it out). I got some answers from it. Then I went on to my other journal (the first one was for a class so it wasn't any personal thoughts really, just the story ...which yeah is personal but ...well this other thing was a bigger glimpes into the relationship.) I wish I hadn't. I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to think. I"m seriously sick to my stomach. I wish I hadn't been so vague in my writing but obviously I was trying to protect things (I found out from the class journal that I had been purposely forgetting details, hiding them from myself so I wouldn't remember the whole story. So this was the only detailed account that i made, it's I think 1 or 2 years after).  It seems like all of a sudden nothing fits again. I make it sound like I continued to see him?!!! That maybe I went out with him?!! I just can't imagine that though. I just have that as such a strong memory that I didn't have anything to do with him after that. Not till that night at the party when he said hello to me. What I write though doesn't make sense. I talk about missing him and that i should have left (or did I mean that I should have left right away that night and didn't? I know now that I did get home somehow that night). I write as though I brushed the whole thing off. It was no big deal. It was just in joking. I don't understand. I mean I do...I was trying so hard to protect myself from the truth. Did I really stay? Is that what the Cinco De Mayo memories that where trying to bubble were about? That yeah, I did miss him and wanted to see him again? Then all of a sudden I change my tune and realize what happened? Is that when the party happened ...or did I just make that up in my head? I'm so confused. I want to find that house.
There can just be no way I ever went out with him again. NO WAY!!