Had the night from hell last night. Had a major bit of panic over a stupid bill and other things occurring in my household drove me to actually planning suicide later that evening. Had seperate fights with all 3 kids and wife. Tried to have wife help me with staying focused and assumed she would certainly be concerned about my plan. Instead, she sat on my bed next to me and argued with me for over an hour!!! I even had to ask her to leave and then she started mentioning divorce again. Well, guess who smoothed everything over? Yup, me...per usual!! Still called my thereapist on call and was glad I did. Just too much to handle at one time people!! Least had a better day today. Have another 3 weeks to wait for mood stabilizer to kick in, though.

I am not entirely sure what to call it, but my best guess would be audio hallucination.

Basically I'm hearing sounds. Not actually voices, but sounds. Sometimes the phone other times something that usually would have been outside, for one of the cats -when the cats are all sleeping. There've been other sounds too off and on also are less distinguishable.

This has been going on off and on for several months now.

*Disclaimer* I'm not looking for any kind of diagnosis but I am wondering whether this can be anxiety related, if so what kind / experiences do others have with the same problem?

I do find this symptom much more worrisome than anything else I am currently dealing with.
I have already been considering going back to counseling, but my financial situation, which is a large source of my anxiety currently is getting even worse- I'm not sure one counseling will be an option. I have taken into consideration some of the suggestions group has offered in the past, but a lot of that takes gas money right now but I just don't have.

Is this kind of symptom something I should be writing myself back to counseling as it is possible over? does it get worse?

I do suspect I have untreated PTSD. And I'm wondering whether this could be an aspect of that.

Anyway if this is an inappropriate post feel free to delete.

thanks!

edit:
I'm not sure if I have to do this part, but here:
I'm Andrea. I'm 22, a visual art studio major with a lot of art history requirements. Um... I don't know if I've ever been truly "diagnosed" but things like "depression" and "ptsd" have been thrown around. I'm on generic zoloft.

I'm also curious if any of you have had people think that you're just not doing things out of choice. Like... choosing to not leave the house, or choosing to think in a certain way. If it were a choice then wouldn't I just stop behaving in the ways that make me so uncomfortable? When they tell me I'm choosing to be this way I get so very frustrated because if that's the case then I want someone to show me how to choose something else. I don't know why I can't just stop this.

Anyways:
/edit


I've been in a relationship for a little while now, but only this year did it become "serious". For some reason up until this point I've been pretty functional and sort of normal. I think. But lately that kind of fell away and I'm having a few weeks where... well, nothings going very well.

I cry a lot. I'm afraid more often. I'll just be sitting around and I'll get the feeling that I have to run away run away run away, my heart will start pounding, and the only thing I'll be able to think of is hiding, jumping out a window, or running into walls. This kind of prevents me from interacting well with others.

I was at my boyfriend's house when everything kind of started going downhill. I was going to leave to go do some work and I just... couldn't. I couldn't leave.

(I don't know if any of you have experienced this, but it isn't like I'm choosing not to leave. I want to but something just wells up in me and I panic and... I really don't WANT to stay inside even, but somehow I just can't can't can't leave! Does this ever happen to you? I told a councilor about this the other day and he said I was just making the choice not to go out, and all I had to do is make the choice TO go out and I would. But no matter how much I say "I WILL go outside now" it just... doesn't happen. I freak out. I don't really know how to choose not to panic.)

Anyways, sorry, rant. I've had little episodes of what I call "the crazy" in front of my boyfriend before. Usually I'm able to keep myself relatively under control sort of. I mean... I don't just start crying like I'm doing now, I manage to calm myself down a little. But calm doesn't seem to be an option right now, and I don't want to bother him now so I cry silently as much as I can. But... he notices. I can't stay normal anymore, and I just don't know if it's fair to keep subjecting him to myself.

Who want's to be around someone who randomly just starts crying and curls up into a ball? Who wants to be around someone who can't leave her house for weeks on end sometimes. I mean... I wouldn't know what to say to me if I were someone else. When we're together I'm constantly trying to be happy and fun and normal but it takes a lot of effort. I'm just so exhausted of trying to smile and talk.

So if I stop making that effort, if I just let myself feel what I'm feeling - is that unfair? I can't do the pretending thing anymore. I want to talk, even if it's only to myself, about what is going on with me so I can figure it out and stop it. I can't do that when I'm pretending to be fine.

Should I just be my fucked up self around him? Or is that too much to handle? I want to confront it, and I don't know if I can, or should, do that when attached to someone else

I have a final exam at 8 am and I am petrified. I have a stomach ache and I'm also an emetophobe so this isn't helping me sleep whatsoever. I've been antsy all night. It all started with a panic attack about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, because my OCD likes to interfere while I'm packing for winter break. And now I can't stop thinking about the exam. Not because I'm underprepared or anything, but because it's so early. I can't function that early. My anxiety is THROUGH THE ROOF in the morning and I really don't know if I can take this exam and I don't know what to do because I can't sleep even though i took a sleep aid and I need advice!

hi i have been dealing with a lot of shit and every day have panic attacks and it hurts to breathe and flashbacks just make it worse...idk what to do an ymore

i do have a support site that i want people to use, so far it has 194 members and i want it to get to 200 by christmas so hopefully you guys will join and we can help each other.

so every time my dad comes home saying hes tired, my heart sinks. ive posted something similar to this before a few months ago...he has a disease so i just cant handle it when he gets sick. and its not even about him so much. its more about how am I going to deal with this? how am i going to deal with watching him get really ill (which he always does with stomach related things because of his disease), how am i going to handle getting him to the hospital? how am I going to handle it if it becomes something serious which thank GOD it never has, he just needs to go to the hospital for an IV until his stomach settles down.
and now, having been sick with God knows what for over a year now probably depression, causing this new found severe hypochondria and day in day out low hum of anxiety its ten times more overwhelming...i feel ill just thinking about dealing with it all...
UHG...and its not as if hes even said i feel sick! like why the hell does my brain go to these places! its bad enough when i feel well, but when i feel sick every day it just takes so much more out of me and is so much more difficult to control and escape from...
i suppose i could just talk to him lol uhg i feel stupid...

hey guys i have borderline personality disorder, panic disorder, anorexia and manic depressive disorder. i currently am in DBT, have a individual therapist, and a psychiatrist. just wanted to introduce myself. ya i'm pretty fucked up. so anyway wanted to know if you heard of the geodon wellbutrin combo that i'm on??

Recap.... Jess, 32, bipolar I/ADHD-combined/panic disorder, lithium, lamictal, geodon...also in my med cabinet are Ativan 0.5mg, Klonopin 0.5mg, Xanax 0.5mg, Xanax ER 0.5mg...all for insomnia as well as panic attacks.

i have major panic attacks in social situations and in unfamiliar environments and crowded places... and usually the Ativan works nicely.

however, i have been rejected for my long-term disability due to having "pre-existing conditions" (assholes) and i find myself having to go back to work which is causing me IMMENSE panic attacks. The Ativan isnt touching them.

i dont like the Klonopins or the Xanax because both knock me flat and make me feel awful after it wears off. Also, i dont trust myself with too many of them because i have a problem with careless use of them.

so my psychiatrist has given me a script for Vistaril for insomnia and panic.

i am wondering if anyone has expereince with this? effectiveness, side effects?

my therapist tells me that it is used as a substitute for the above referenced narcotics for people with addictions, it is an antihistamine like Benadryl, and it should help with my anxiety as well as my insomnia.

Yesterday, joonzmoon stepped down from the mod team at _survivors_, and we wanted to say a big THANK YOU for her time on the mod team.

She was instrumental in several re-vampings of the community - from helping create a new layout, to setting up the new tagging system, to bringing the Thought Stirring Questions back from inactivity, to creating the Survivors' Resource Guide now available on our userinfo page.

She took initiative on many things which had been back-burnered, and breathed new life into the community.

We extend our thanks to her for all her help! While we're sad to see her go, we're glad for the time she shared with us.

Thank you, joonzmoon!

So what are your overall views on Celexa?
Pros?
Cons?

taste_buds
Holidays provide a built-in excuse for indulgent entertaining. This all-purpose foodie community covers everything from homemade hangover cures to dinner party menus. Need quick advice? Get five-minute snack suggestions, low-fat ingredient substitutes, and even measurement conversions. Delicious recipes garnished with humorous advice. Yum.

naturesbeauty
Always on the lookout for compelling images, we were delighted to discover this flourishing community of artists who share a love of nature. Honoring the subject with photographs, paintings, sketches, prose, poetry, and other creative works, you'll be simultaneously riveted to your monitor and inspired to run helter skelter towards the nearest wooded dale.

The past 3 times in a row that I've been to T, I've had panic/anxiety attacks in the office (waiting area) and/or due to the downtown environment that my county-funded T is located in. Looking back, I realized that I'm down to having about 1 or 2 attacks per week (down from almost daily), and now one of the major causes of an attack...is going to T.

*sigh* It's not the session itself that bothers me. It's the downtown environment maybe 30% and the annoying staff and other people in the waiting area that takes the other 70% of what makes me seize up, shift personalities, or feel anxious. I feel safe once inside the T's little office room. Keep in mind, this is government / county-funded, so it's kind of cruddy by nature.

I also live in a townhouse where 2 other units attach directly to mine on either side. The one side has a guy who goes into drunken rages so often, it's scary but sometimes amusing. Now just recently, the couple on the other side of me started fighting, and Saturday night the cops had to come break it up. Now, on top of everything, I hear d*mestic v**lence on either side of my home, it's no better than being a victim myself. It's not helping, but selling my home and finding something else is literally impossible right now. (I own...not rent.)

First, I'd like to apologize for this going up so late.

( Cut for triggers: talk of abuse and shame )


This week's questions:
- Do you now, or did you ever, feel ashamed for having been raped or abused?

- How did that shame affect your processing of your abuse? Did it hinder your ability to process and heal?

- How have you been able to stop feeling shame? What advice would you have to other survivors on not feeling ashamed?

x-posted

I am struggling right now. I just don't know what to do with my life. I feel so conflicted.

On one hand I want to pursue becoming an EMT and eventually a paramedic. K has considerable problems with this. He has expectations for how he wants his life to go and the things that should go in it. He wants stability and a house and two nice cars and spending money for movies and cds. He wants me to stay with graphic design because I have already invested four years into it and I could theoretically someday obtain a job which could pay in excess of $70,000 a year. Theoretically. Not definitely or even probably. Theoretically. I loathe my job right now and want to get out of it, but I have had no luck with finding another graphic design job. I am not even looking for something at a higher level, just a different environment and a possible raise. But no bites on the 20 or so resumes I have sent out, and the available jobs in my area are slim pickings (not to mention that I have already applied for all but two). So I feel stuck. Not to mention that when K graduates, we will have to move wherever he finds a job, and he really doesn't want to stay in the area where we are now, so it is very probable that we will move. It would not be a good career move for me to take a new position and then leave after a year. Just doesn't look good on an employment history. Sure, there are jobs for graphic designers in other cities, but it's pointless to look until I know where we are going. And what happens if we move and I can't find a job? Or if I do find a job but I hate it and only took it because we need the money?

So much anymore I feel like just a paycheck. But happiness and success in life is not dependent on the size of one's income. I need to love what I do in order to be happy in my work. There's a difference between a job, a career, and a calling. I fall into the category of people who have a calling. I want to help people and make a positive impact on the world, as I have mentioned before. I will be miserable doing anything that doesn't come close to that. I know this to be true because my present situation reflects this attitude. I just don't see the point of taking a job at a for-profit company (like BNY Mellon, for example, they are hiring a designer in my area) where all of my energy and creative efforts will be channeled for the sole purpose of making money. Maybe that works for some, but not for me. K, however, feels differently. He thinks that I could be happy as long as I made enough money. No, I just cannot do that. I would rather stay where I am than do that. It will kill my soul.

Enter: EMT. If I became an EMT it would change a lot of things about how my life works. I would make less money (I make about $15/hr now, I would start as an EMT around $10/hr, but I would get paid overtime) and work weird hours. But it would MEAN SOMETHING. He doesn't even want me to do the training class in January, since he says it will take away from being able to work a second job again and also from my graphic design job hunt (that I am not even sure I want to continue). When I try to discuss the idea of a career change as an EMT, K's automatic response is that taking a pay-cut is idiotic. I should never, never, for any reason take a pay-cut, he says. Plus, it would put more pressure on him to provide enough income for us to live on. Sidebar: I should mention that I am the only one really working right now. Last semester, I worked two jobs. K works two days a week, and often less because the company he works for is struggling and they frequently call him and tell him not to come in because there isn't any work for him to do... Hypocritical, much? I would not pursue actual work as an EMT until I was sure that all of our financial bases could be covered. I am not a moron. As the accountant in the relationship, I am the only one who has a realistic idea of what our expenses are. K is terrified of math and is incapable of participating in our finances, so I handle everything related to money - bringing it in and dishing it out. I feel like a lot of this is really unfair.

We had a huge fight last night. He was all of sudden very angry with me about being interested in becoming an EMT. He is offended that I didn't consult him before deciding to take the class, and is upset that I have all but officially decided to make a career change without thinking about how it would affect our lives. I told him how I felt about everything but he threw it back in my face by saying that he doesn't even know if he can believe that I am not lying to him about this, like I was lying to him about having a problem with drinking. Low blow... really low.

Does all of this make me a horrible, selfish person? I am, for all intents and purposes, married to K, despite what present bullshit politics and homophobic assholes would like to think. We are committed to each other. Should I take his advice and just get over this need to help people? A need he calls "distorted" and "unhealthy..." Clearly, I disagree with him, but maybe part of being committed to someone and wanting to make a life with them means putting aside your dreams and settling for what is practical?

Sigh.

I am going to have dinner with my parents now.

I'm going to rant. I will probably curse.

( Cut for those that want to miss ranting and/or cursing )

Why is it that benzos are considered more addictive than antidepressants?

With SSRIs/SNRIs, people often experience withdrawal symptoms when discontinuing them and need to taper off of them, plus some are known for being more difficult to get off of than others, which means that we do form a dependence on them as well, right? Why, then, are benzos considered by doctors to be more addictive and dangerous/less appropriate for longterm use? Am I misunderstanding the concept of addictiveness?

This unbelievable self loathing makes my anxiety so much worse. I feel abandoned and alone and then I just push people further away because what else can I do? No one will ever love me if I cannot even like myself.